October 11th is the 33rd anniversary of National Coming Out Day, which began during the National March on Washington for Lesbian and Gay Rights and celebrates the joy and strength that come with sharing one’s true self with friends and family. You may be wondering what this might mean for other families and how you and your kids can be allies to the LGBTQ+ community – it’s never too early to teach kids to celebrate and embrace diversity. Or you may be embarking on your own family’s journey and wondering where to find answers and support along the way. Doug, a PFLAG board member and parent of a non-binary 21-year-old and Jenna, a Charlotte parent of a young transgender child, have some tips on how to approach the topic of coming out as a family.
Listen and observe. First and foremost, listen to your kids with an open mind. If your kids are talking about gender diversity or sexual orientation –they may have questions or have a classmate who is gender nonconforming – thank them for having the trust in you to talk about this topic. It’s not one that needs to wait until they are older or until you have all the answers. Just being willing to listen and engage will speak volumes about your support (and you may find that you learn from them). And listen to your gut if you see changes in mood or interests. One of Jenna’s children, who was assigned male at birth, was always gender nonconforming, even as a toddler. But Jenna and her husband didn’t consider that her gender identity was in question until their shy child became even more withdrawn at age 7. While not every child will be gender nonconforming and then transgender, and some may try harder to be their assigned gender, observing changes and listening to the questions they have creates the trust and support they need to feel safe at home.
Educate yourself and learn how to have conversations with your kids. Seek out books, articles and podcasts that will help you gain a better understanding of gender diversity, so you know what to listen for and how to have those important conversations as a family. Take the step to initiate conversations with your kids so they know the topic is not off the table. There are books for kids of all ages to explore LGBTQ+ experiences. Jenna likes to read I Am Jazz, Who Are You, Jacob’s New Dress, a Boy Named Penelope, and Julian is a Mermaid with her pre-k and elementary children. For Doug, driving with their kid to work provides opportunities to check in on how they are doing.
Practice your awareness and language yourself and as a family. If you’re not used to it, whether you’re a child or adult, it can be hard to use they/them in your speech, for example. Or to pause when meeting someone new and not assume their sexual orientation or gender identity. Doug refers to his spouse as his partner and tries to use they/them as pronouns for people unless they specify otherwise. And Jenna likes to practice they/them pronouns when discussing characters in a book (like an animal or monster) or observing, say, a squirrel at a park: “look at that squirrel! They’re eating a nut.”
Find spaces to celebrate gender diversity. Pride festivals may not be on the radar of caregivers of young kids. But Charlotte Pride, which took place in Uptown in August 2022 after a Covid-induced hiatus, had an amazing new feature: the entire Green was transformed into a Youth and Family zone, which was a safe and engaging space for kids of all ages. Jenna’s family spent a whole afternoon there and is excited to return next year. Pride events in other areas including Salisbury, and for the first time, Union County, are a place of find vendors, faith communities, and other organizations that support the LGBTQ+ community. It's important for LGBTQ+ kids to see themselves celebrated; it’s also important for kids of all ages to see the LGBTQ+ community being embraced.
Find the right support. If your child has come out to you, or you are wondering whether they might come out at a later time, it’s so important to find support for them and for you – even just to explore the questions and fears you might have. Here are just some of the available resources in Charlotte.
- PFLAG Charlotte’s mission is to support families, allies, and LGBTQ+ individuals. The nonprofit offers judgment free in-person and virtual support groups, opportunities to connect privately online or one-on-one, workshops, education and more.
- For younger kids (under 12) who are gender nonconforming, Gender Education Network offers meetups where kids and their caregivers can make new friends; they also offer support and resources.
- Time Out Youth serves older kids (12 and up) and young adults with a variety of programs and services in-person and online.
- Transcend Charlotte is another nonprofit that provides counseling, advocacy, group support and more for gender diverse adults 21 and older.
- Finally, finding a therapist can be crucial for both you and your family. Therapists who specialize in gender care often work with the whole family, and some offer play and talk therapy for kids of all ages. Individual therapy can also give you and other members of the family an opportunity to work through your own thoughts and feelings so that you can better support your children. The Charlotte Transgender Healthcare Group (www.charlottetranshealth.org) can help you find therapists that specialize in gender care for individuals and the family as well as other healthcare providers that work with the LGBTQ+ community.
Recognize that it will be ok. Helping a child navigate gender or sexual identity can be scary, but realize that you’re not alone. It may feel overwhelming at times, but nothing is better than seeing our children thrive because they’re allowed to be themselves. Resources that are available to them and to you can put them on a path to better mental health and a family that embraces the diversity of their experiences.
So as the LGBTQ+ community celebrates National Coming Out Day, think about the ways that your own family can join in the celebration. Whether an ally, the parent or family member of someone in the community or even if you think you have a child that is gender diverse, embracing the diversity of gender and sexuality is one of the best ways to let people know you will support their true self.
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For more information about PFLAG Charlotte, visit their website at https://pflagcharlotte.org/
